How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
