just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize