Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
