You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
