so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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