I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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