The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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