i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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