How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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