toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
