M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
