I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
