Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize