My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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