speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
