I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
