Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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