shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
