he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
