I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
