I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
