FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
