if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
is wine microwaveable?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
