I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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