I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
