it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
