We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
