When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
