Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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