I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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