Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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