I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize