You made me cry and you don't even care
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
