I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
