The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
