Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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