I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
How external is "for external use only"?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
