Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
