i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He did a backflip because drugs
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