It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
