they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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