Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize