i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
this will be a night to untag.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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