Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
