im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize