The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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