Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
