I want to make a zoo with you.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
