If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
