I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
