guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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