Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
