if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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