my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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