been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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